America’s Next Bill Clinton!

Don’t feel loved? It’s ’cause you’re desperate and a loser!
August 20, 2007, 1:18 pm
Filed under: Catholics, college, dating, desperate, Feminism, loser, love, relationships, Unitarians

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve sat back and observed, and now it’s time that I explode.

Help me understand here — I don’t get it: Why are some people so goddamned desperate to want to get into a relationship?

I constantly observe some of these people — adults, to be sure, who are constantly searching for someone with whom to be. For them, life is not fulfilled unless they are with somebody. They aren’t defined unless they are with someone. And most pathetically, they aren’t happy unless they are with someone.

They say that they want someone with whom to speak at the end of the day — someone to talk to …well, goddamn, get some friends! Besides, what makes you think you’re so interesting that whomever you’re with wants to hear about your day? That’s pathetic!

At the end of the day, I just want a beer and a cup of chili, not someone telling me shit I don’t give a shit about …

Every time they meet someone new and half decent, they immediate fall for that person. Then they ask the question of why they have no one.

I want to pull out my proverbial hair and tell them that they have no one because they are clingy, needy, without self-esteem and confidence. They remind me of the people who’ll be attracted to and have sex with just about anybody. The only difference is that those people can get some and these desperate losers can’t get any.

I am sorry, but if your life and well-being depends THAT much on being with another person, you’ve got issues.

These people, it seems, will settle for absolutely anything that comes along — whether it fits into the bigger picture or not. Then, they bitch and moan and whine about how the relationship didn’t work out.

Maybe it didn’t work out because you’re a loser and had nothing to offer! And despite of whatever law of physics you might have heard, the same attract. Thus, if you’re a loser, you’re going to date losers, and losers don’t make winners, thus the relationship is bound to fall apart.

I recently met a girl who’s been following me like a puppy dog despite my being an asshole to her. She asks me silly little questions, wants to do dinner, sends me stupid text messages and asks me what I think of love …

You know what I think — no — what I know of love? That I don’t love you!

Jesus Christ, I told the girl I only date Unitarians and atheists, and her little Catholic ass comes back with, “Well, but if it’s love, it can be worked out.”

Well, it’s NOT love. I don’t even fucking know you that well! You don’t know shit about politics or feminism and you’re a boring-ass math major. I have no interest in you, all I did was ask you to sign a goddamn petition for me. Now go away!

Go away! Ugh! I wouldn’t have sex with you even if my two hands were chopped off.

Somebody get me a Red Bull. On second thoughts, I might not need it

19 Comments so far
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amen to that! amen!

Comment by gamedruid

Well, you know the cliche saying…apparently “you’re nobody until somebody loves you.” Lame huh?

Hey, what about dating fabulous Jewish Feminist women? 😉

Comment by Trish

I would love to date a fabulous Jewish Feminist women, but only ones who just recently got into car accidents. 😀

Comment by profeministmale

You know, maybe instead of passive-agressively writing about this girl on your blog, acting “like an asshole” to her and giving nondirect answers about the religious qualities of your dates, you could try, you know, just telling her straight up that you’re not interested in her?

Or, you know, keep writing blog posts that make you seem like an elitist, condescending douchebag who somehow manages to be all at once unoriginal and yet convinced of the insightfulness of what he’s saying.

Whatever works for you.

Comment by elyzabethe

To be sure – I HAVE told her to go away, in the nicest way possible, and to a certain degree, it has happen. This post, then, wasn’t intended for her (and she isn’t aware of such blog), but rather, to discuss the fact that some people are extremely desperate (both males and females) for relationships, that it makes them annoying to be around.

As for arrogance? I’ve been charged with such before. As for unoriginal, all of our thoughts are unoriginal, we just take the thoughts and expand upon them. Isn’t that what epistemology is essentially about?

Oh, and there was no passive-aggressiveness at all, I promise you. What I think, I say.

Comment by profeministmale

I’m with elyzabethe on this one. You don’t actually say in the post that you outright told her to go away — you said that you told her that you only date Unitarians and atheists, and then complain that she came back with her love response. In this post, you say “go away!” multiple times, but it doesn’t seem like you ever said it to the Catholic girl. You were there — tell the whole story, and don’t expect us to be able to read your mind.

More than anything, don’t be an asshole. Don’t be an asshole to a girl who likes you. Don’t be an asshole to people whom you deem to be “clingy, needy, without self-esteem and confidence” just because they’re clingy, needy, and low on self-esteem. Don’t be an asshole because people can’t take a hint from your passive aggression. This world does NOT need more assholes. And we especially don’t need guys who use assholery to get rid of girls they don’t want to have sex with. There are too many of those guys.

If you don’t want to be in a relationship, great. That doesn’t mean that you can call people who do want to be in a relationship pathetic losers. Different isn’t the same as wrong.

This post seriously sounds like the same old bullshit I’ve read on some of my other male friends’ blogs/journals, and it disappoints me. If you want to call yourself “pro-feminist,” take a little more time to dig deeper into your empathy stores. Why is that girl still following you around after you’ve been an asshole to her? What could you do differently in the future to be clear about your interests and intentions? What kinds of signals might you have sent that could have made her think you were interested? What other experiences with boys and relationships could she have had that would make her act like this? Are there other ways to deal with people who have different perspectives than being an asshole to them?

You say you’ve read the I Blame the Patriarchy blog — now, I think, is the time for you to work on putting some of Twisty’s words into practice. Blame the patriarchy, not the victim of the patriarchy, for the bullshit expectations the patriarchy places on women, especially in their 20s, to marry soon so as to have kids before we’re “too old,” to be academically and professionally successful despite whatever familial obligations come from our relationships, to have healthy relationships with everyone, to keep a clean house no matter what, to like sex but not too much lest we’re whores, to stay trim and fit, but not too trim or we’re eating disordered and probably too crazy to be with. Etc. Etc. Etc. It goes on forever.

You’re being an asshole in this post, and that’s fine; just don’t think you can be pro-feminist with that sort of attitude and behavior.

Comment by L

I was responding more to what the blogger had written before he edited the comment above mine to what appears currently. Originally, it said:

Elyzabeth, I must have hit a rough spot, huh, because you seem quite passionate in your response. Perhaps you, yourself, are in such a situation?

Here’s the thing: I am arrogant, and I’ve never claimed not to be an elitist -but I MUST be original because you’re actually tuning in to read this.

And perhaps you should read the blog again, because I DID tell her to go away.

And as for you, you haven’t addressed the real issue here: are you one of those pathetic people I wrote about in this post?

Comment by L

Yeah, that was a knee-jerk reaction on my part that was uncalled for. My apologies.

I’ll work on responding to your original post in a second.

Again, apologies for the hostile, reactionary post.

Comment by profeministmale

I think this whole blog entry is hostile and reactionary. I understand that this is your blog and you use it as you wish, but I don’t understand why you would take the username you did if you’re going to be this unthinkingly judgmental of the women and men in your life. Blaming victims — of a social structure, a crime, a behavior, whatever — no matter their gender — is not feminist or pro-feminist.

Comment by L

All right – a response as I promise.

Firstly, a most profound and sincere apology to Elyzabeth. My response was inappropriate, thus the reason I changed it.

This post did make me seem the asshole. In fact, the response made me seem even more of an asshole. A misogynist, in fact. For that, I apologize.

This post was made not to direct at anyone in particular, but rather, the culture that seems to surround us – the culture in which people are consumed by love and relationships.

Just as I was critical of women who buy into this culture, I am also critical of men who buy into this culture. It’s not the people I am against, it is the idea that I am against. But sometimes, I do tend to mistake ideals as people, and take it out of the people, rather than the ideal.

They say the personal is political, and to some degree, I find it to be true. But at the same time, I feel as though (and perhaps I am still wrong for this), I can be critical of those who live their lives outside of the feminist culture.

The things I find the hardest to cope with – dealing with the daily complexities of what it means to be feminist, yet at the same time, engaging in behaviors that, deep down, aren’t entirely feministic.

Your suggestion of following “I blame the patriarchy” is a good one.

I’d ask for forgiveness. I am still stumbling a hundred and a thousand times over everyday, and sometimes, it takes a feminist to point it out to me. Perhaps this has to do with my arrogance, perhaps it has to do with the fact that I take criticism personally, but either way, your criticism has helped with my being a better pro-feminist male.

Once again, apologies all around. It is my intent that this (blog) will also serve as a journal of personal growth and failure. I think we see today the first of many failures, but I do promise that there will be growth that comes out of this …I do hope.


Comment by profeministmale

Geez! I’m glad you changed the first response, or this dialogue wouldn’t be continuing. Maybe my name-calling here in the first place was impolite, but I really was appaled by what you wrote here. L is right that it sounds like the very thing you’d see written on some hardcore misogyninsts’ blogs, minus the fact that you don’t come right out and say why do women do this, you say men and women. But I still think, whether sexist or not, the whole thing is just rude. I agree with the underlying sentiment — you see this sort of thing all the time, and it is incredibly frustrating, the people that are so fixated on “having a relationship” that they don’t care who it’s with. The people who complain and complain about not being able to meet people but then act appallingly or desperately in the face of the opposite sex. It’s annoying. But it’s also kind of sad. I mean, it’s obviously based in low-self-esteem. Which is why criticizing people like this and calling them desperate pathetic losers repeatedly is just … mean. And uncalled for.

Comment by elyzabethe

marc – i’m glad you changed gears a little bit and reflected on what elyzabethe and L said. i’m also glad you took it to heart. because you apologized i won’t respond to that.

let me just add another perspective to consider in respect to the original post.

sometimes certain situations trigger rather ugly feelings/reactions in us and there’s a reason for it. you really don’t like the way (from your point of view) this girl keeps laying herself out there for you, even though you’re not interested. she’s leaving herself open and you know you don’t deserve it. you’ve done nothing to earn that from her. you see her giving so much for very little. it’s degrading.

maybe it bothers you to see her do that, to see her make what you feel is such a poor decision. and maybe somewhere down inside you imagine that she sets herself up like that all the time and she’s not taking care of herself and she’s just going to keep getting hurt.

maybe this is hitting a nerve with you. perhaps you’ve known someone else like that and there was nothing you could do to help her either.

so you get angry and on some level you want to force her to protect herself. so you treat her in ways you probably shouldn’t. hoping she’ll start defending herself or stick up for herself.

if this true, then i’d say the issue is yours too and you should try not to take your issues out on others.

am i way off?

Comment by oldmancoyote

Hiya PFM,
Seeing that you’ve been enlightened by L and elyzabeth, I’ll just say that consider this as an education—now you know a bit of what a woman would feel if a guy was trying to irritate her into submission, although you haven’t yet experienced any threat of physical harm or vindictiveness from this girl at your refusal (she doesn’t sound the kind) so I’d say you sort of half know now. If you want to get her off your hands, I suggest you don’t try to save her self-esteem, she has to look inwards for that. (That’s basically what your post is about, I think). But be kind when you tell her to bugger off, that’s all.

Comment by vintagefan

Oldman and all others – pretty close, but I’d like to address a few issues.

It’s patriarchy and sexism I am against. Because of such, I don’t make a distinction of whether patriarchy or sexism is upheld by a man or woman. If I see a pattern of one’s behavior as being patriarchal or sexist, I will combat that, regardless of their gender.

It especially upsets me when these actions that uphold patriarchy are masked as love and relatioships and everything else. It sucks, I see it, and I combat it.

From my privileged male perspective, I don’t see consciousness raising as being very effective (again, from my perspective). We fight fire with fire. With fight the patriarchy by knocking it down, not by coddling it, regardless of the person who is upholding the patriarchy.

In the end, there are too many problems in the world – and I’ve not the patience to coddle anyone in finding out why they act the way they do, and which part within the patriarchal agency made them act the way they do. I am a feminist activist. I am out there to change the world for the better – not the individual. If a person in my life is upholding patriarchy, I’ll tell them to fuck off and move on about my business. That, for me, is the most effective way of dealing with things.


Comment by profeministmale

there’s been talk on quite a few blogs in the past day or so about what responsibilities people have to try and educate others about feminism, or liberalism, or whatever, and at what point it’s cool to just say, ‘fuck it, this isn’t worth it.” … hmmm … I’m going to have to aggregate all this into a post soon ….

Comment by elyzabethe

That happens all the time. Sometimes, I just want to beat someone’s ass for being a misogynist, but then I realize it wouldn’t make of a difference.

I look forward to your blog.

Comment by profeministmale

You’re actually determined to make something of being an activist. Writing about it can only reach so many people, you can’t force people to read what you’ve written. Seeing that you’re determined to get out there and make a difference is a wonderful thing. Good luck to ye.

Comment by vintagefan

So this post is a rant. Rants are allowed. But afterwards you cool down and decide what you really think and what was just the frustration talking. I hope that you’ll come to the conclusion that it’s ok for people to want to be in relationships, that being single is not inherently superior, just as it’s not inherently inferior, and that some people (like me) get a lot out of having someone – friend, significant other, blog, whatever – to tell about their day. And that I like hearing about my boyfriend’s day, when I have a boyfriend, and the whole “you’re boring no one wants to listen to you” thing is…not something I’d urge you to hold onto. As well as the insults. If she’s not respecting your wishes, that’s not cool, but neither is being an asshole.

It’s terrible that our culture tells us we’re only half a person without a significant other, and terrible that it says that more to women than to men, and terrible that girls have such low self-esteem between that message and the idolization of certain unnatural body types and demands that we be mutually exclusive things at the same time. It IS unhealthy and it should change. But I think there’s a difference between upholding patriarchy because it benefits you, and hurting other people in the process, and upholding patriarchy so it doesn’t…wait for it…malefit you, and primarily hurting yourself (although it does have political repercussions, but I don’t think it’s fair to expect everyone to be an activist, although that would be better).

Ok now here’s the thing I’m for real arguing with: “The only difference is that those people can get some and these desperate losers can’t get any.” I’m separating it from the rant because I’ve seen it from you before. I don’t think it’s cool or feminist to insult someone by saying they can’t get any, because it’s so connected to the male culture that says “how much sex you have = how cool you are, so you better objectify women and push them for sex.”

Comment by judgesnineteen

Well I think u r a complete prick ….and u r the one with issues… what makes u hate everybody like that?! …maybe ur lack of love or maybe u r so ugly nobody wants u ….u should think bout it …

Comment by Jeremy

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