America’s Next Bill Clinton!

Loser, possesive men

One of the signs the guy you’re dating is a loser? He’s possessive!

Last night, I had a girl I had a thing with this summer come over to watch “The Death of a President” with a couple of friends, and she brought the guy she’s dating over. At first, he seemed pretty cool, and we drank wine and hung out and all until the movie was over.

He was on the couch, she was laying on the floor and I was sitting on the floor. So, bored, I started tossing a bottle cap at her face and we started playing catch with it. I then started very platonically stroking her face and the back of her hand (I do that to all my close female friends and former objects of affections).

The next thing I knew, he stormed out of the house. She called him to see what was going on, and he was screaming on the phone, telling her that I was flirting with her and was afraid I might take her away from him.

WTF! My God, she’s now a friend and I was only showing her affection and entertaining her! This dude thought, for some reason, we were going to jump on the couch and have sex like rabbits or something. This is even despite the fact that I spoke about having interest in other girl!

What’s wrong with these men who are so possesive of the women they’re dating that they’re not allowed to have other guy friends? It’s fucking crazy! Jesus freaking Christ!

And you know what else? They’re not really officially an item and this guy is already acting like this. I don’t understand it. Some men think that just because they’re dating a girl means that they’re supposed to cut off contact with all their guy friends.

I don’t know — maybe I intimidate some men, making them think I am going to steal their women! But you know what, there’s a reason she’s a thing of the past — and it’s that she didn’t make the check list! So, why would I want her again? She’s a good friend, just like all the women in my past, and that’s it!

Why, God, why do these guys get so possesive?


12 Comments so far
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I’ve known many women who dated possessive, jealous men, and yeah it sucks… worse than that, it’s a red flag that he could eventually become abusive.

However, to be completely honest, I think you need to rethink the level of physical contact you have with women that you’re strictly platonic friends with (or intend to be), and especially in front of their boyfriends. Face and hand stroking are NOT a “platonic” gesture (unless you’re both girls, or a gay male)… and it’s kinda disrespectful to do in front of someone’s significant other (if I witnessed 2 people acting the way you described with her I’d definitely assume you were interested and flirting). I know you feel completely comfortable about this, and feel it’s ok, but you have to take other people’s feelings and views into consideration and know that not everyone sees things as you do. There are boundaries and social norms that must be paid attention to, or else you risk hurting people’s feelings and/or causing problems between them.

Comment by Marcy

PFM, inspite of the ‘platonic’ prefix to ‘stroking’ of hand and face I just can’t judge it as an innocent act. It’s a no no, even if some girl did it to my boyfriend. Shaking hands is platonic gesture of friendship or politeness, a hand thrown over another person’s shoulder during a photo shoot or after a game. Strokin’ ain’t platonic. Possessiveness is when a person won’t let the other function without permission/approval in every aspect of their lives from them.

Comment by vintagefan

I have to agree with the two other commenters. Face stroking, to me, is one step down from a romantic kiss. A few guy friends do kiss me on the cheek when greeting, which is platonic, but I think a face stroke is a pretty intimate thing. People stroke a partner’s face when they are in bed together, or sharing a special romantic moment.

I believe you when you say that it isn’t romantic for you, but you have to understand that some people are going to interpret that gesture differently. It doesn’t mean that they are necessarily possessive or a misogynist. After all, a truly possessive man would not even think about accompanying a romantic interest to the house of his/her ex.

Comment by Mary

Although you and I haven’t agreed in the past. To an extent I do agree with you on the possessiveness aspect in general. I would also have to agree with the other commenter’s as well. From the guys reaction though, something must have happened in the past and he is still not over it yet.

Comment by Frustrated Hubby

You know, I stand-corrected and I will admit that it’s my fault. I think I’d have a hard time dealing with it if some guy who’s an ex is stroking the face of the woman with whom I am in a relationship. Seeing as to how I am not, there’s no worries. 🙂

I guess it also has to do with the fact that he hated me from the very beginning when he saw my “I heart female orgasm” shirt, and we had a discussion about faith as well. While not intentional, some part of me was trying to push his button.

And, Mary, he came to the house uninvited, as a way to “keep an eye” on her. I mean, we’re talking about a guy who still mourns the “deaths” of the many fetuses he’d created with women who didn’t have any sort of relationships with them after he got them pregnant.

He also called a girl a bitch for changing her mind after they started messing around. I didn’t like him, thus was probably not extending him the respect I usually do most other boyfriends of my “sisters.”

Comment by profeministmale

PFM, I stand corrected about your guest. He does sound like a real asshole. (But I still stand by my assertion that face stroking is interpreted by many people as a highly intimate act.)

He seriously had a problem with your “I heart female orgasm” shirt? As in, he doesn’t like female orgasm? Holy crap. I had no idea men like that still existed.

Comment by Mary

Mary, there are some people who believe the female orgasm is a myth. I read a post somewhere here on the wordpress feminism tag surfer. I didn’t get into the source because it gave me a headache just to acknowledge the idea that some people might actually think that way.
PFM, now you know what arguments that actually hold against this guy, since you say he’s a bit of an ass. It would work if you actually apologize to both of them for the incident. That’s just a suggestion, of course. It might help smooth things over and show that you’re not a threat to their relationship.

Comment by vintagefan

Reading what you said in the comments, yes, this guy’s an asshat, and of the possessive persuasion. The fact that this abortion issue came up multiple times with multiple partners suggests he may have been intentionally impregnating women as a means of trapping them into a relationship with him.

There’s not even a doubt in my mind that he’s not mourning the fetii, or even the abstract potential they represent, but rather, the lack of control he has over these exlovers of his. If he were truly concerned about these “deaths” he’d use a condom until he and his partner were both onboard with this parenting idea.

However, if I’d only read your original post, I wouldn’t have thought that. I’d have said the boy was an ordinary monogamist who interpreted your interaction with his partner as a sign of more than just friendly affection.

From what you’ve described, what went on sounds like flirting, even if you didn’t mean it that way. I could understand why a monogamist would be upset by this.

Comment by RJ

I agree with everybody up there. The guy is an unreasonable ass. But also, wow, the face stroking, if a woman did that to my husband I would be pissed…and I know he would be pissed if a man did that to me, even if we were all friends. He’s also one of the least jealous people I know.

Comment by Sunny

Once again you have fallen into the trap of labeling all men as something just because one of them does it. Well you are nothing but a fucking self loathing mangina. Get a fucking grip

Comment by krfksd

Dude, you are either a shark or part female. You know if I was at a party with my girl I would knock you out for touching her. If we just started dating I would probably just get mad and storm out like he did because it shows disrespect for you to be feeling up his date lol.

Comment by james

Kr – unfortunately, I love myself, I hate fuckers like you.

James, and I’d knock your ass on the floor right back. Disrespect? Why? Because I touched your girlfriend? What’s the matter, are you afraid she’s going to leave you and run away with me? You should be. You know why? Because it’s happened before and will again.

Comment by ProFeministMale

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